Pride

It has been a long time since I posted in my blog and I think a lot of his to do with my pride. It's all nice and dandy to tell everyone about all the awesome things going on in your life, like interviewing/ booking celebs or what not but when it comes to the junky stuff you would rather not say. Well I promised to tell everything that happened when I left my Job at WESH and here is what has been going on.

After leaving working with the radio station. I moved to Jacksonville to live with my Grandma. I didn't really get paid at the radio station, so the main reason I moved was because I couldn't pay my bills. I needed a place to stay and this would be a fresh start. Linnda quickly helped me line up a job in Jacksonville making $150 a day working as a PA. We thought it was working for a film, however it was actually working on a military base picking up trash and such. Now, I know what your thinking $150 a day to pick up trash, sign me up! Well I just couldn't do it. I think I lied to myself and told myself that it was because of the war stuff or the weird hours. But it was really PRIDE. I went from booking famous guests on a show to empty trash cans. I felt so defeated. So after one day I quit. This caused my whole family to be angry at me! Then from my Grandma's smoking (and probably partly a panic attack) I ended up in the Emergency Room, not able to breathe. I realized that if I didn't want to keep getting sick, I would have to move out. So I moved back to Winter Park and am now living with a friend until I can figure things out.

On the way back my girlfriend told me my old serving job was hiring for some seasonal help. I turned it down, thinking " No way I am I going back there". So I took a job at this fine dining restaurant and after a week in they let me go. I honestly think it was because I refused to take out a dirty teapot. They said I just wasn't catching on to their concept quick enough. Who knows the real reason but anyway I am not working there anymore. 

My grandma had given me some money to get by but I spent some of it on clothing, thinking I can't wear what I have this season...a lot of it is old and a some of my long shirts have holes in them. So I splurged, thinking the cash would come in from the job. Bad idea.

I really started thinking about this pride issue and when else it has affected my life. When I left WESH, I think some of it had to do with pride. I just couldn't stand not being promoted. It wasn't even about the money really. It was that to me...it felt like they were saying, I didn't do a good job. I felt like I deserved that job, Two years and every shift I worked. I work hard and I give it my all. 

If only I could give that much energy to God. Seriously, why was I working so hard?  Because a long time ago, I swore I would never end up like my family did, poor...with no secure jobs. I was going to make things happen. I was going to be someone! I was going to do it all by myself and be independent!!!!

But God wants us to rely on him, that's not saying we can do nothing, we have to do our part too. I was just relying on myself. I had a plan for my future and I was sticking to it! 

But it wasn't God's plan for my life, it was mine and that's why it came crashing down. God wanted all of me.

Through all this I have learned that...

1. You can't plan out your life you have no idea what tomorrow will bring you have to live in the now and do the best you can every day to follow God, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth" Proverbs: 27:1. 

2. I have a serious pride issue (I am still shaking it) and most of my problems have been caused by this. " Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall  Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud" Proverbs 16: 18

3. Despite all this God still loves me : ) Is it not amazing how God can still love sinners like me and you? ( if anyone is even reading this).

4. God is helping me through this. He is taking away the things I prided myself on! My  car...which I prided on that I paid it off quickly and would constantly say it is my only possession. I got in a car accident in May and totalled it and had no collision coverage. My house is gone. I loved that apartment, I thought it was perfect and wanted to show it to everyone. Most everything I owned I have given away or sold ( mostly given away) in order to move out quickly or pay bills.

5. I have gained a lot. I have gained character. How often is our first question to people, what do you do? As if their job defines them.I think the next time someone asks me what I do, I am going to say " I am doing my best to follow God", I wonder what kind of reactions I will get to that? What defines who you are is who you are in Christ. So I ask you today, who are you in Christ? ....Take some time, think about this... I promise the question is worth asking.

Under Attack? God is about to do something BIG

You know that saying "anything that can go wrong...will go wrong?"Well it's especially true when you are trying to do something big for God. On Sunday I am getting baptised and ever since my girlfriend and I made this decision, things have been getting really crazy.

This week my car broke. Not surprising on anything...this car always used to always break down ( many of you may remember how the car radio would stay on even when the car was off and it would drain the battery and so the car would die all the time). But on the same day my computer also broke and my toilet overflowed. Now this may seem like awful luck or coincidence but I know better. You see the devil is angry! He is angry that I am trying to make the huge commitment to God to try and follow him with all my heart, no matter what that means. But I will not give in to these distractions. My friend told me not to be surprised if I get sick on baptism day or something happens. All of this was a little overwhelming, not to add my finances don't make any sense right now.

But then I started thinking about it and I know in the end God will win this battle. So why fret? Keep that in mind whenever your circumstances are overwhelming, know that if God wants something to be done it will be and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Smile! God is always by your side.

Also something I learned this week is that it's not always the fun road or even a road full of friends when following God completely. People look at you as if you're strange and can't seem to get why. But I promise the road is worth it! God has showed me time and time again, that when I give up everything and follow him, he will provide....not my wants but my needs. And what are your needs really? Really all you need to survive is God. I know that seems like the typical response but it's really true.

I have a reason for going on that tangent. I have decided to leave the radio show I am working on. Are you paying attention now? lol. The host of the radio show will constantly say things about other " Gods" and how they all are the same whether it be Buddha or what not. Well I just don't believe that at all. I really believe the only way to God is through Jesus Christ. ( My sister thinks I am crazy for this and actually started yelling at me about how all God's are the same....this was so shocking because I never really heard her talk about religion before...once again under attack). I cannot put my name on something with such mixed messages, as it can confuse an audience, so at the end of the month I am stepping down as the Associate Producer of the Show. I love working on the show and I love the host of the show but I know I am not being true to Jesus by trying to sell this show.

So now what?

Well right now there are a few things that appear to be options. One of my friends may move in with me for a little bit, which would help pay bills. I am still babysitting. I am always awaiting the check for the promotional modeling gig I did last weekend. I still might get offered the Station Manager Job in Detroit and then I could program my own station. I might get to work on a full length Christian feature film in Tampa ( I can't really say more then that right now). Or Maybe I will move to Jacksonville and live with my Grandma and work on her book with her and save up money. I don't know. But I do know one thing....God will be with me wherever I go and whatever happens next is going to be an exciting chapter in my life.

I feel like God is letting me do all the things I want to do, somethings maybe not in the extent that I would want to do them, but even if I got to be a grip on this big feature film, that would still be cool. This week ( thanks to a great friend) I got to sing in a choir. Now I haven't sang in a choir since the 9th grade . I was told too many times my voice wasn't good enough and gave up. I even had an ex boyfriend who used to turn up the radio when I sang, so he wouldn't have to hear my voice. I was so nervous when I went into sing, I was visibly shaking. But the people there were by far some of the nicest people I have ever met and even though I am not a fan of the music, I want to go back just to be around them. I hope I am like this. I pray that when people are around me, they will see the JOY of knowing Jesus and want to know what is different about me. Though there are hard times for everyone, rejoice my friends because God is with you and you can do all things through him. Don't let people tell you, you can't do something that God sent you to do. Imagine what people must of thought about Noah when he was trying to build the ark?

Stay true to your morals and believes and God and he will bless you time and time again.
I can't wait to see what will be happening in this next chapter of my life but I know it is going to be amazing! Stay Tuned for an after the baptism post. God Bless

You can do it...

When I looked at my agenda this morning. I was overwhelmed by all the things I had to do. But then I heard a song on Z88.3 ( yes I know it is a little odd that a hip hop/rap fan would listen the Z but I like it). The song is by Casting Crowns and goes like this.

"But the waves are calling out my name 
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times 
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me 
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win, 
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth"

So many times I feel like this. That I give my all and I still fall. But then my whole attitude changed. I went from feeling like there was no way I could do all these things.  To that I could do all these things and God was gonna help me.

After a great Radio Show with Recovery Music Artist Laura C ( she is the mother who drove drunk with her kids in the car and then wrote music to overcome her alcohol addiction) I rushed over to the junvenile court house for the religous runaway case. I was supposed to be there to report for Allen but I actually ended up getting interviewed by FoxNews (national!) and CBN (which would be a dream job to me)....I know I was on Fox because people saw me...I wish I could have seen it. I wonder which bite he used. If anyone knows people at Fox and can get there hand on that tape I would be so greatful. The woman from CBN, Wendy, was so nice and gave me her card. Maybe one day I will get to work with her.

Isn't it amazing how when you aren't trying to seek things they come to you? I also am now working with the Golden Rule Foundation. Henry Vales ( The Executive Director) was a guest on the show and was so thrilled with the press release I did for him, that he wants me to write press releases for his foundation. In exchange he will help find sponsors for the Saturday show  (God willing) I will be co-hosting in the next couple of months. The Saturday show will be like a 106.7 but with Christian music. Top songs in all genres of Christian music (mostly rap/hiphop/rock).However, we will also play music from local artists and have a competition every week and play the top artist. Our target audience is teenagers and college kids. We hope to get some churches on board for events etc.. We are still trying to come up with names.

I also had the training today for the promotional modeling gig I got. I will be at Amway Arena all weekend at the Dew Tour. Should be a fun time. I am the local market manager for the event and will be helping out with the promotions. I randomly filled out an application for that gig over a month ago and was amazed that I actually got it. I had never done any modeling before.

Tomorrow I am getting tested for diabetes. I am a little scared and wish someone was going with me. But then I think of all the other illnesses God has helped me overcome...Allergies, Asthma, Globohysterious etc..and I know I will be okay. Did you know that I used to take 8 pills a day? Then I gave them to God and said no " God you are my healer" and all that stuff went away? I know it sounds like I was into some crazy church. But I promise you God does make miracles happen. So many of us, forget about the miracles in the bible. We think that they don't happen now. But I assure you they do ( One day I am going to write a book about this) Sometimes they are small but God makes miracles happen in my life everyday. You just gotta trust and believe. Please don't go throwing your medication down the drain yet. Pray about it. God may be calling you to stay on it. Also take on the diseases or struggles in your life. My grandma by every account should be dead by now but she is a fighter and that's why she is alive. 

If you wanna live...you gotta fight for your life. And be thankful you have another day. Know God has got it all under control. When I get stressed and stuck in traffic lately or I can't figure out why I am struggling with something I take a deep breath and say " God I am exactly where you want me to be". Who knows God could have saved me from an accident. 

To sum up: There is a reason for everything. When you are stressed breath. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. This thought will change your life and bring new calmness to a seemingly hectic day. I love you guys and I know God has great things planned for you. You are here for a reason, so get to work : P

***The picture is of Linnda, Henry and I

Blurry Vision

Last night I was driving to my girlfriend's house and I couldn't see the road signs... I had to call her and ask her for a landmark so I could figure out how to get there. I've been there before and I knew the road I needed to turn on but I just couldn't see any signs.  This also happened the other night when I was driving to my other friends house. I am 90 percent sure I have diabetes.

I have all the symptoms...constant urination, excessive thirst, fatigue,acne and blurry vision. I think I've known this for a while now but I have been lying to myself.They say if you are told something 3 times by 3 different people something is mostly likely true. Well I have probably had 10 people tell me I may have diabetes.

I know I need to go to the doctor and will hopefully be going this week. If you read this and you know I haven't gone please kick me!

You can't be sucessful without great friends!

As many of you know, I have been working long hours trying to get " The Linnda Durre' Show" off the road. Well this past weekend I finally got to take a break and was so greatful. 

Friday night was one of my best girlfriend's birthday's and we went swing and blues dancing. Swing is alright, blues is better but it's not hip-hop : ) I don't like structured dancing with a partner. I just want to do what I wanna do, so I ended up dancing with my girlfriends most of the night. 

This was probably for the best, so you don't lead on any creepos. 

Then Saturday morning, I headed over to Arnold Palmer's Block Party to go see one of my good friend's perform in this new band called Nigels11? (he's gonna kill me if I get that wrong).... Chris Kirkpatrick from N'sysnc is in the band and it was pretty good (Not my kind of music, but the talent is obviously there). The weird thing is their band was just signed with Wright Entertainment (who is is the label for Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson etc) and my ex boyfriend is the executive assistant to the President of the company( which is headquarted in LA).  I don't talk to him anymore but it's funny that one of my close friends is now in a band with the company he works for. All these little girls wanted autographs from my friend and his lead singer for a different band called Oh Romeo? (Oh man he is really gonna kill me for not remembering names lol). I think I am going to see him tomorrow night for one of their concerts. I am seriously am the worst media person ever! I don't know who anyone is but I think that is why I am successful in this business because to me they are just people not an "idol". I don't have cable, I don't watch the news (even though I worked in it for years). What I do is massive research before I talk to anyone. It's smart to be knowledge about a person but not the best idea to act like a " fan".

Then I met one of my friends at this place called Drunken Monkey. Well I was pulling in, there was this boy, who kept looking at me, we kept smiling at each other as he walked over to another place. I found myself blushing and looked at the ground...just that boy smiling at me and keep looking at me made my day. I probably will never see him again and even if I did I probably wouldn't realize it was the same guy ( I don't even know his name), but it's not the point. The point is that you can make someone's day by just smiling at them. 

Then it was off to Olympia for my friend's b-day dinner. If you've never been to Olympia it is amazing, they have the best greek food in the area, belly dancing and they even play the cha-cha slide and the owner loves us and gives us free wine : ) Of course out of all the people in the resuarant the belly dancer, picks me to go up there and dance with her first. So I danced with the belly dancer on the floor and had a blast.

Then it was off to downtown. It's different now when I go downtown. My heart isn't there. I notice, I don't look around for which cute guy is around or try to find someone to dance with. I just dance and am goofy with my friends. I pray to God, that I won't be attracted to anyone he doesn't want me to be attractive too and it normally works. It's almost scary how well it works. I find I am barely attracted to anyone, which is good..so when I am supposed to date someone it will be easier to know.

It started to get late and I remember I had a party I was supposed to be at so I rushed over there...oops..the party was over and I woke up the host. My bad! Oh well I was the only one who got him a birthday present! Seriously? Do people not buy presents anymore?

Then Sunday= rest day! This is something I make sure I do every week to keep my sanity. I refuse to do any work. It talks in the bible about this (it is one of the ten commandments!). No, I was not raised to do this. Just trying to follow God.

Monday after the show, I went to the doctor and the chiropractor. I have also been eating mostly organic food. For those of you reading this who know me personally, you are probably very impressed.  For most my life I never cared about what I ate or exercise or anything and was always sick. I was so shocked when the doctor said my immune system was excellent and it was just my hormones and blood sugar is out of whack.  I may be pre-diabetic. But I'm not taking that, I'm a fighter. She also SHOCKED me, when she said my allergies and asthma, weren't showing up in her tests! I had stopped taking my allergic and asthma medications 9 months ago and said " God you are my healer" and since then, I have only had one allergy issue for a few hours from a dirty cat.  God is amazing.

I have become good friends with one of our previous guests and she helped me get the guest for Tuesday. It is so important to have good friends, they are there to help you get through the times, enjoy the fun times and help you problem solve. If she would have not helped me get that guest, who knows if I would have had a guest Tuesday. I said to my friends "I am going to the top and I'm taking you with me" and he was like "really?" and I said " Of course, it's lonely at the top". 

One of my goals in life is to take everyone with me to the top. I truly believe everyone has something to offer and I will find a way to help them use their talents! We all deserve to be successful and people are most successful when they are doing what they love. So tell me what you love and I will help you do it one day! This is my mission and I promise if you put God first, work hard and are reliable...God will find a place for you in this world!

Being Patient and Having Pure Intentions

American Idol Winner Ruben Studdard was on the show today! He was so humble and such a Godly man. Ruben had been trying for years to "make it" in the music business. And then he went to American Idol tryouts to support a friend who was trying out, his intent wasn't even to try out. Now why did Ruben get so " lucky"? ( Well I don't believe in luck but rather God's timing) It was because his intent was to help out a friend, his reason for being there wasn't to pursue his own dreams or be famous. He was being a Godly man by being there for his friend and God rewarded him for this. 

This is also how his wife met him. She was going to Wal Mart to have Ruben sign a CD for a friend and she told Ruben this. He was like " What about you?" And she was like "you're alright". Ruben got her number that day and they become great friends and then Got married. Once again, someone was helping out a friend when God gave them something amazing. 

Now don't go trying to help people to get what you want but just make sure your intents are always pure and God will reward you. 

I get caught up in this with doing things to try to " win a man over" but then I really think about it and I want them to be interested in me for my character, not because of what I do for them. There has been so many times in my life, where I have gone out of my way, comprised my morals or done something bad just to please a guy. 

In the process I hurt myself and I hurt God. I pray that I make my life about pleasing God and serving others without wanting something in return. The second you think someone " owes" you something, things start going bad. When you serve my friends, serve for God and the person you are serving, when you get caught up in pleasing yourself, you lose the value of what you did.

However, Don't be a doormat and do whatever people want you to do. I had to set boundaries with my new job by telling my boss I don't work Sundays. By setting boundaries, it lets people know what you will and will not tolerate, you will be happier and they will respect you for it. 

A good rule, I was taught is if you wouldn't do it for your best friend, don't do it to please the opposite sex. 

This stuff is a fine line, when I get confused about the line, I try to pray for God to let me see things through his eyes...It's amazing how this works and how different things are through God's eyes. 

So to sum up: What is your intent in doing what you do? Is it the money? Is it the Success? Fame? relationship? Or is it truly selfless? 

Think About it! It will change your life...just this one thought!  

Disaster turns into opportunity

As many of you know Ruben Studdard was supposed to be on Friday's show. Those of you who listened obviously know that wasn't the case. 3 minutes before Ruben was slotted to go on I get a phone call from his personal assistant saying he had a "personal emergency " and could not go on. 

Now what? Time for the back up plan: Linnda talks about her book. So Linnda talks about her book for 15 minutes and I realize at the break that we could not just have Linnda pitch her book for a half an hour, people would probably turn the dial. So I offer to interview her about the book. She said "Yes" and for the next 10 minutes that's what we did. 

Isn't God amazing? Turning a disaster into a victory for me? I actually got to talk on live radio! The only other time, I got to do this was when WDBO interviewed me about being a college grad and looking for a job. 

That night I headed over to " One Homeless Night", what an awesome night! Hundreds gathered and slept under the I-4 overpass to raise awareness for the homeless. Now I 'll be honest I didn't sleep there, I wanted to but I knew if I did I would probably get sick, I was already lacking sleep and trying to sleep on a piece of cardboard would probably not be good for me. I give mad props to the people who stuck it out all night.

I helped out by working with a documentary film crew, that was pretty cool. I also ran into some WESHers. They asked me if I missed them. I said "yes of course I do, but I don't miss my old job". I have no regrets. I know I made the right choice. Here's how you know when God wants you to do something, your Gut/the Holy Spirit and he says "yes". Now what does this sound like? Well it's just a matter of God opening certain doors for you. I often pray God will not offer me a job he doesn't want me to take or to give me the discernment to know what is an offer from him and offer from the world.

Saturday morning Linnda took me to the Chiropractor...I went there to just get a well check up and turns out I actually have a pretty messed up back and some serious health issues. The problems I deal with on a day to day basis I thought was normal. The doctor starred at me like I was crazy. It probably has a lot to do with my bad diet, lack of sleep and stress. I need to start eating better. Linnda was really worried and took me to whole foods and she bought me some organic foods...was I actually shopping in Whole Foods? Who am I? The more I try to follow God, the more I am losing myself....but I know it's for the best. 

Then I went and saw "Tyler Perry's I can do bad all by myself" with my girlfriend. We cried and laughed so hard! I totally recommend it! And you know me I'm such a TP fan I'll go see it with you! I cried a lot afterward too, the movie really hit home with me about some of the things I have done to people in the past, I still carry the guilt with me a lot of times. It's easier to forgive people than forgive yourself.

Someone brought up a good point today at The Sabbath at my house (The Sabbath is a small bible study at my house, we eat, talk about God, right now we are reading "Boundaries in Dating). He said " God forgives me, who I am I to question and disagree with God?". If God forgives me... why can I not forgive myself? Pray for me in this please. I often worry that my own hypocrisy has lead people away from God and this is one of those thoughts that keeps me awake at night. But when I really think about it, each person is responsible for their own actions...you can't let what other people are doing affect who you are. If I did something stupid, and someone is not going to follow God because of it, then their faith isn't that strong to begin with and that is something they have to go and deal with God with. However this isn't an excuse to do whatever and not worry what people think.

Try to be the best example of Christ you can, but if you fall don't beat yourself up about it.We all do. Mistakes are good...if you learn from them. Think about what went wrong, why it went wrong and learn but DON'T DWELL. This is easy said then done, because we are all are own worst critics. Also now you can use those mistakes to teach others...turn disaster into an opportunity to tell people about God's forgiveness....yes you are going to have to be vulnerable here but I gurantee you it's worth it. Your friends will be closer and more meaningful.

God forgives you everyday and everyday you start with a clean slate. Isn't his love amazing? And if God can forgive me, I can forgive me. You don't have to clean yourself up for God for him to love you, he always does. Just come to him, he'll fix you up : ) and come to him every day because I don't know about you but everyday there is something I can work on.