Plans to Prosper

In my pursuit to be holy in God's sight, I came to a point where I cried out to God " I don't want to sin anymore". ( Yes I know this is impossible however, I still prayed it). The next three days I honestly felt the wait of my sin upon me. God was showing me all the errors of my ways. Whether it be bad thoughts of others, going to food besides him etc... It was so hard to work. Several of my employees said I looked like death. I came to a point where I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was sick to my stomach....frankly I was a mess. I started going into this depression. This lead me to the back of Johnny Rockets where I sat on a trash can and I cried out to God " I know you won't forsake me. Then why does it feel like it right now?" The next morning I woke up and I felt grace. I felt God's love for me. That I didn't have to try so hard to live up to these standards. For a long time I thought living a righteous life meant to try to follow everything in the bible on how we should live. Which is impossible. Then just ask forgivness when I mess up. Well I don't know about you but I mess up all the time. God just kept bringing up this verse to my head "the righteous live by faith". And then it hit me. Instead of trying to live up to all these rules, I must start trusting what the bible says. That Jesus really died for my sins and that I am a new creation("Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation" 2 Corinthians 5:17. ), That he does really have plans to prosper me ( 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11), That he will not leave me or forsake me. etc... I must start remembering when Christ showed up and cured me from disease, brought money to my bank account out of no where, or how he answered my prayer for Christian girlfriends. He is faithful. Now mind you this is not an excuse to live in sin and use God as your personal Genie.In the bible it says pray without ceasing. So you must pray for God to take the desires away from you, because will power will always fail you. But Christ will never fail you. 

I felt like I had found the narrow road. Where Jesus's "Load Is Light". Now I just have to remember it really is all about turst. I must trust that God has a plan for my life and even if I am stuck in traffic for an hour to go one exit. I must trust that his plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. 

While the depression and craziness was going on. God was really keeping me up one night. He kept reminding me of this interview that fell through when I was working with the Christian radio station. The manager of the band had said he owed me. So I decided to send him an e-mail. I was really honest. I told him I was just a girl trying to follow my dreams to have a Christian show and that I really had nothing impressive to say about it. 4 days went by and I told God, that if he wanted me to work at Johnny Rockets forever, I know his plans are better than mine and I will trust that. Then the next day the band manager e-mailed me back. He said " Yes"!!!!!! I was so in awe of how much God really loved me and was going to be with me in my pursuit to have this show, that after breaking a plate at Johnny Rockets ( which is the first one I have ever seen broken there--they are plastic--), I went to the bathroom and fell to me knees, thanking God for opening a door for me. I had prayed for him to open a door the week before.

I think for years I ran around as a Christian Athesists. Saying I believe in God's truth but then thinking my destiny relys on me. Are we not than playing mini God's? trying to create the plan. God has given you the dreams in the depths of your soul for a reason. He wants you to go after them. I honestly have no idea how this interview is going to come together, I need a professional camera, a website to put the video on, a name for a show etc...but you know what...I know God will provide it all if it is His will. Instead of trusting my own ability, I will trust God's ability to make this show happen. I must be patient though because God's timing is certainly not my timing. The lord my God is coming to redeem what is lost.  Wait till you see what he has in store for me. : )

IDK...I surrender

It has been two months since I have posted and once again it's been a pride thing. I thought God was calling me to go to Seminary. First it seems as if Asbury would be the right fit. As I saw "signs" calling me to go there. I found an asbury card in my living room  ( and had never gone there or spoke to anyone from there...I still think it is odd but I digress) and I felt that it would be the right thing to do. My pastor also went there, so I knew my beliefs would match up. But the thing is, you have to be weary with signs because frankly you can make anything a "sign". When I was younger I got really caught up in this. I was relying more on signs than I was on God's truth.  Whenever I saw the time 7:42 or 4:27 I thought it was God talking to me...telling me I was on the right path. Now God allowed this for a while as it would help lead an ex-boyfriend to Christ but after a while the signs lead me astray and I used them to justify disobedience....thinking that it was okay not to listen to the bible because God was guiding my path with "signs".

Now this isn't to say that signs from God don't exist...I totally beleive they do...however make sure when you see an alledged sign that it is leading you in a way that is backed on biblical truth, stay in the word and pray about it. This will save you a lot of trouble...trust me I've done some hasty, rediculous things because I saw a "sign". 

When I started thinking about it more, I realized something was missing with Asbury. They had great programs but what about media? How would I incorporate that into my studies? So I did a google search for Christian Media Masters and surprisingly Dallas Theological Seminary popped up. They have a degree in Media Communication that combined studying the bible and media and was specifically for people who have already worked in media...sounds perfect for me right? Daystar, which is a modern christian media tv network is also there...sounds even better...maybe I could get a job there..I thought?! Maybe my life will finally start coming together if I go out there.

But is my life not starting to come together now? By worldly standards my life is a mess. I quit my career job. I owe $6,000 in student loan bills ( which I didn't even need to take out! I had a 75 % scholarship and a job and several grants )I owe like $600ish on a credit card. I have a car that spits gas out at you like a fussy child. I had to get rid of my blackberry and now have a flip phone that decides who it wants me to talk to. I am serving tables at a greasy fry and burger joint. I have moved six times in the past year. I have lost most of my belongings. I am breaking out...my weight is up and down. Oh and to top it off I'm single.

Sounds like a dramatic mess right? You know what keeps me sane?...God. When I look at the past year of my life...I see my growth. I have perserved under trial and have become more mature. Without even trying too hard... I have become a regular tither ( a year ago, I didn't understand why tithing was so important...trust me...he will provide if you tithe), I have learned to pray in front of people outloud ( a year ago, I thought this was weird and it made me uncomfortable), I am a regular church attender ( often going alone...before I had to go with someone), I am a constant reader of the bible, I get on my knees often, I walked into Regroup alone and am commited to the process.

This is not to toot my own horn but rather to toot God's horn...God did all these things in me. It wasn't easy for him...I put up a huge fight! Those of you who know me well, know I am stubborn and I will fight for what I believe is right but if I am wrong...I'll tell you. And well I was wrong. I thought all those things above were what "religous" people did and I didn't want to be one of those fake people, who smile and hid their screwed up lives in their pretty little houses. But I learned this past year...if you really believe Jesus is who he said he was and the bible is the word of God, than you gotta start following it. And you can't start following it...unless you know what it says and you can't know that unless you open your bible and you will never understand why God tell us to do certain things if you never try it. 

I learned all that ( and fifty million other things) here...in Orlando. God is here. He is working on my life, he is doing amazing things in me and those around me and to see God work is one of the most fascinating things ever! You don't even notice he is changing you, until you look back and say wow...that used to be me..yikes! I feel like I say that every week lately. 

The point is, I am staying in Orlando and gonna serve tables. Financially this is smart as I would be able to start slowly knocking out some debt.  I am going to stay in regroup and stay connected with Summit and other believers throughout the community.God is chaning me and the girls in this group and there is no where I would rather be. That is not say, I will never go to seminary. But if I do it is gonna be God who brought me down that path.

I have no plan. I have NO IDEA what God has in store for me but I know it is going to be better than the worldy dreams I created for myself. I admit, I don't have it all together. But the cool thing is God has it all together and he is gonna get me through this. So for now I stay put and I wait on God before I make any moves. I don't need to prove myself anymore. God loves me for me...and He is in control and I surrender. 

***The picture is of me, some famous brazilian actor ( I honestly have no idea who he is) the store owner, and one of my managers...

I leave you now with one of my favorite Kirk Franklin songs.....

Lately I've been thinkin'
Thinking 'bout you
And all the things
I've seen you go through
Your mother the kids and
The problems at home
Sorry I wish I could fix what's wrong
I hurt when you hurt and
I cry when you cry
Even the deep ones 
Sometimes wonder why am i going through
I'm waiting but still no use

Chorus:
He's still in control
He's soverign and He knows
Just how it feels to be afraid
Have folk you love walk away
Be still and know He's still in control

Verse 2:
Lately depression
Your job and your life
Weighs on your mind
All day and all night
You know every scripture
And what prayer to pray
Only a fool would think
It'll all go away
But there is a use
For you there's a plan
A High Priest who knows
And who understands what you cannot say
Just a little longer can you wait

Chorus:
He's still in control
He's soverign and he knows
Just how it feels to be afraid
Have folk you love walk away
Be still and know He's still in control

Bridge:
Don't know what tomorrow will bring
Or if this sickness will ever leave
You can paint a perfect picture 
But will it ever look like it used to be
See, one thing I know for sure
This season made you stronger and more mature
Can't you see how far you've come
And when you look back
It's gonna be worth it, oooh

(Chorus)

He's still in control
He's still in control
He's still in control
(repeat and fade out)

God Bless you my friends and thank you for reading : )

Pride

It has been a long time since I posted in my blog and I think a lot of his to do with my pride. It's all nice and dandy to tell everyone about all the awesome things going on in your life, like interviewing/ booking celebs or what not but when it comes to the junky stuff you would rather not say. Well I promised to tell everything that happened when I left my Job at WESH and here is what has been going on.

After leaving working with the radio station. I moved to Jacksonville to live with my Grandma. I didn't really get paid at the radio station, so the main reason I moved was because I couldn't pay my bills. I needed a place to stay and this would be a fresh start. Linnda quickly helped me line up a job in Jacksonville making $150 a day working as a PA. We thought it was working for a film, however it was actually working on a military base picking up trash and such. Now, I know what your thinking $150 a day to pick up trash, sign me up! Well I just couldn't do it. I think I lied to myself and told myself that it was because of the war stuff or the weird hours. But it was really PRIDE. I went from booking famous guests on a show to empty trash cans. I felt so defeated. So after one day I quit. This caused my whole family to be angry at me! Then from my Grandma's smoking (and probably partly a panic attack) I ended up in the Emergency Room, not able to breathe. I realized that if I didn't want to keep getting sick, I would have to move out. So I moved back to Winter Park and am now living with a friend until I can figure things out.

On the way back my girlfriend told me my old serving job was hiring for some seasonal help. I turned it down, thinking " No way I am I going back there". So I took a job at this fine dining restaurant and after a week in they let me go. I honestly think it was because I refused to take out a dirty teapot. They said I just wasn't catching on to their concept quick enough. Who knows the real reason but anyway I am not working there anymore. 

My grandma had given me some money to get by but I spent some of it on clothing, thinking I can't wear what I have this season...a lot of it is old and a some of my long shirts have holes in them. So I splurged, thinking the cash would come in from the job. Bad idea.

I really started thinking about this pride issue and when else it has affected my life. When I left WESH, I think some of it had to do with pride. I just couldn't stand not being promoted. It wasn't even about the money really. It was that to me...it felt like they were saying, I didn't do a good job. I felt like I deserved that job, Two years and every shift I worked. I work hard and I give it my all. 

If only I could give that much energy to God. Seriously, why was I working so hard?  Because a long time ago, I swore I would never end up like my family did, poor...with no secure jobs. I was going to make things happen. I was going to be someone! I was going to do it all by myself and be independent!!!!

But God wants us to rely on him, that's not saying we can do nothing, we have to do our part too. I was just relying on myself. I had a plan for my future and I was sticking to it! 

But it wasn't God's plan for my life, it was mine and that's why it came crashing down. God wanted all of me.

Through all this I have learned that...

1. You can't plan out your life you have no idea what tomorrow will bring you have to live in the now and do the best you can every day to follow God, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth" Proverbs: 27:1. 

2. I have a serious pride issue (I am still shaking it) and most of my problems have been caused by this. " Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall  Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud" Proverbs 16: 18

3. Despite all this God still loves me : ) Is it not amazing how God can still love sinners like me and you? ( if anyone is even reading this).

4. God is helping me through this. He is taking away the things I prided myself on! My  car...which I prided on that I paid it off quickly and would constantly say it is my only possession. I got in a car accident in May and totalled it and had no collision coverage. My house is gone. I loved that apartment, I thought it was perfect and wanted to show it to everyone. Most everything I owned I have given away or sold ( mostly given away) in order to move out quickly or pay bills.

5. I have gained a lot. I have gained character. How often is our first question to people, what do you do? As if their job defines them.I think the next time someone asks me what I do, I am going to say " I am doing my best to follow God", I wonder what kind of reactions I will get to that? What defines who you are is who you are in Christ. So I ask you today, who are you in Christ? ....Take some time, think about this... I promise the question is worth asking.

Under Attack? God is about to do something BIG

You know that saying "anything that can go wrong...will go wrong?"Well it's especially true when you are trying to do something big for God. On Sunday I am getting baptised and ever since my girlfriend and I made this decision, things have been getting really crazy.

This week my car broke. Not surprising on anything...this car always used to always break down ( many of you may remember how the car radio would stay on even when the car was off and it would drain the battery and so the car would die all the time). But on the same day my computer also broke and my toilet overflowed. Now this may seem like awful luck or coincidence but I know better. You see the devil is angry! He is angry that I am trying to make the huge commitment to God to try and follow him with all my heart, no matter what that means. But I will not give in to these distractions. My friend told me not to be surprised if I get sick on baptism day or something happens. All of this was a little overwhelming, not to add my finances don't make any sense right now.

But then I started thinking about it and I know in the end God will win this battle. So why fret? Keep that in mind whenever your circumstances are overwhelming, know that if God wants something to be done it will be and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Smile! God is always by your side.

Also something I learned this week is that it's not always the fun road or even a road full of friends when following God completely. People look at you as if you're strange and can't seem to get why. But I promise the road is worth it! God has showed me time and time again, that when I give up everything and follow him, he will provide....not my wants but my needs. And what are your needs really? Really all you need to survive is God. I know that seems like the typical response but it's really true.

I have a reason for going on that tangent. I have decided to leave the radio show I am working on. Are you paying attention now? lol. The host of the radio show will constantly say things about other " Gods" and how they all are the same whether it be Buddha or what not. Well I just don't believe that at all. I really believe the only way to God is through Jesus Christ. ( My sister thinks I am crazy for this and actually started yelling at me about how all God's are the same....this was so shocking because I never really heard her talk about religion before...once again under attack). I cannot put my name on something with such mixed messages, as it can confuse an audience, so at the end of the month I am stepping down as the Associate Producer of the Show. I love working on the show and I love the host of the show but I know I am not being true to Jesus by trying to sell this show.

So now what?

Well right now there are a few things that appear to be options. One of my friends may move in with me for a little bit, which would help pay bills. I am still babysitting. I am always awaiting the check for the promotional modeling gig I did last weekend. I still might get offered the Station Manager Job in Detroit and then I could program my own station. I might get to work on a full length Christian feature film in Tampa ( I can't really say more then that right now). Or Maybe I will move to Jacksonville and live with my Grandma and work on her book with her and save up money. I don't know. But I do know one thing....God will be with me wherever I go and whatever happens next is going to be an exciting chapter in my life.

I feel like God is letting me do all the things I want to do, somethings maybe not in the extent that I would want to do them, but even if I got to be a grip on this big feature film, that would still be cool. This week ( thanks to a great friend) I got to sing in a choir. Now I haven't sang in a choir since the 9th grade . I was told too many times my voice wasn't good enough and gave up. I even had an ex boyfriend who used to turn up the radio when I sang, so he wouldn't have to hear my voice. I was so nervous when I went into sing, I was visibly shaking. But the people there were by far some of the nicest people I have ever met and even though I am not a fan of the music, I want to go back just to be around them. I hope I am like this. I pray that when people are around me, they will see the JOY of knowing Jesus and want to know what is different about me. Though there are hard times for everyone, rejoice my friends because God is with you and you can do all things through him. Don't let people tell you, you can't do something that God sent you to do. Imagine what people must of thought about Noah when he was trying to build the ark?

Stay true to your morals and believes and God and he will bless you time and time again.
I can't wait to see what will be happening in this next chapter of my life but I know it is going to be amazing! Stay Tuned for an after the baptism post. God Bless

You can do it...

When I looked at my agenda this morning. I was overwhelmed by all the things I had to do. But then I heard a song on Z88.3 ( yes I know it is a little odd that a hip hop/rap fan would listen the Z but I like it). The song is by Casting Crowns and goes like this.

"But the waves are calling out my name 
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times 
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me 
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win, 
you'll never win."

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth"

So many times I feel like this. That I give my all and I still fall. But then my whole attitude changed. I went from feeling like there was no way I could do all these things.  To that I could do all these things and God was gonna help me.

After a great Radio Show with Recovery Music Artist Laura C ( she is the mother who drove drunk with her kids in the car and then wrote music to overcome her alcohol addiction) I rushed over to the junvenile court house for the religous runaway case. I was supposed to be there to report for Allen but I actually ended up getting interviewed by FoxNews (national!) and CBN (which would be a dream job to me)....I know I was on Fox because people saw me...I wish I could have seen it. I wonder which bite he used. If anyone knows people at Fox and can get there hand on that tape I would be so greatful. The woman from CBN, Wendy, was so nice and gave me her card. Maybe one day I will get to work with her.

Isn't it amazing how when you aren't trying to seek things they come to you? I also am now working with the Golden Rule Foundation. Henry Vales ( The Executive Director) was a guest on the show and was so thrilled with the press release I did for him, that he wants me to write press releases for his foundation. In exchange he will help find sponsors for the Saturday show  (God willing) I will be co-hosting in the next couple of months. The Saturday show will be like a 106.7 but with Christian music. Top songs in all genres of Christian music (mostly rap/hiphop/rock).However, we will also play music from local artists and have a competition every week and play the top artist. Our target audience is teenagers and college kids. We hope to get some churches on board for events etc.. We are still trying to come up with names.

I also had the training today for the promotional modeling gig I got. I will be at Amway Arena all weekend at the Dew Tour. Should be a fun time. I am the local market manager for the event and will be helping out with the promotions. I randomly filled out an application for that gig over a month ago and was amazed that I actually got it. I had never done any modeling before.

Tomorrow I am getting tested for diabetes. I am a little scared and wish someone was going with me. But then I think of all the other illnesses God has helped me overcome...Allergies, Asthma, Globohysterious etc..and I know I will be okay. Did you know that I used to take 8 pills a day? Then I gave them to God and said no " God you are my healer" and all that stuff went away? I know it sounds like I was into some crazy church. But I promise you God does make miracles happen. So many of us, forget about the miracles in the bible. We think that they don't happen now. But I assure you they do ( One day I am going to write a book about this) Sometimes they are small but God makes miracles happen in my life everyday. You just gotta trust and believe. Please don't go throwing your medication down the drain yet. Pray about it. God may be calling you to stay on it. Also take on the diseases or struggles in your life. My grandma by every account should be dead by now but she is a fighter and that's why she is alive. 

If you wanna live...you gotta fight for your life. And be thankful you have another day. Know God has got it all under control. When I get stressed and stuck in traffic lately or I can't figure out why I am struggling with something I take a deep breath and say " God I am exactly where you want me to be". Who knows God could have saved me from an accident. 

To sum up: There is a reason for everything. When you are stressed breath. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. This thought will change your life and bring new calmness to a seemingly hectic day. I love you guys and I know God has great things planned for you. You are here for a reason, so get to work : P

***The picture is of Linnda, Henry and I

Blurry Vision

Last night I was driving to my girlfriend's house and I couldn't see the road signs... I had to call her and ask her for a landmark so I could figure out how to get there. I've been there before and I knew the road I needed to turn on but I just couldn't see any signs.  This also happened the other night when I was driving to my other friends house. I am 90 percent sure I have diabetes.

I have all the symptoms...constant urination, excessive thirst, fatigue,acne and blurry vision. I think I've known this for a while now but I have been lying to myself.They say if you are told something 3 times by 3 different people something is mostly likely true. Well I have probably had 10 people tell me I may have diabetes.

I know I need to go to the doctor and will hopefully be going this week. If you read this and you know I haven't gone please kick me!

You can't be sucessful without great friends!

As many of you know, I have been working long hours trying to get " The Linnda Durre' Show" off the road. Well this past weekend I finally got to take a break and was so greatful. 

Friday night was one of my best girlfriend's birthday's and we went swing and blues dancing. Swing is alright, blues is better but it's not hip-hop : ) I don't like structured dancing with a partner. I just want to do what I wanna do, so I ended up dancing with my girlfriends most of the night. 

This was probably for the best, so you don't lead on any creepos. 

Then Saturday morning, I headed over to Arnold Palmer's Block Party to go see one of my good friend's perform in this new band called Nigels11? (he's gonna kill me if I get that wrong).... Chris Kirkpatrick from N'sysnc is in the band and it was pretty good (Not my kind of music, but the talent is obviously there). The weird thing is their band was just signed with Wright Entertainment (who is is the label for Justin Timberlake, Janet Jackson etc) and my ex boyfriend is the executive assistant to the President of the company( which is headquarted in LA).  I don't talk to him anymore but it's funny that one of my close friends is now in a band with the company he works for. All these little girls wanted autographs from my friend and his lead singer for a different band called Oh Romeo? (Oh man he is really gonna kill me for not remembering names lol). I think I am going to see him tomorrow night for one of their concerts. I am seriously am the worst media person ever! I don't know who anyone is but I think that is why I am successful in this business because to me they are just people not an "idol". I don't have cable, I don't watch the news (even though I worked in it for years). What I do is massive research before I talk to anyone. It's smart to be knowledge about a person but not the best idea to act like a " fan".

Then I met one of my friends at this place called Drunken Monkey. Well I was pulling in, there was this boy, who kept looking at me, we kept smiling at each other as he walked over to another place. I found myself blushing and looked at the ground...just that boy smiling at me and keep looking at me made my day. I probably will never see him again and even if I did I probably wouldn't realize it was the same guy ( I don't even know his name), but it's not the point. The point is that you can make someone's day by just smiling at them. 

Then it was off to Olympia for my friend's b-day dinner. If you've never been to Olympia it is amazing, they have the best greek food in the area, belly dancing and they even play the cha-cha slide and the owner loves us and gives us free wine : ) Of course out of all the people in the resuarant the belly dancer, picks me to go up there and dance with her first. So I danced with the belly dancer on the floor and had a blast.

Then it was off to downtown. It's different now when I go downtown. My heart isn't there. I notice, I don't look around for which cute guy is around or try to find someone to dance with. I just dance and am goofy with my friends. I pray to God, that I won't be attracted to anyone he doesn't want me to be attractive too and it normally works. It's almost scary how well it works. I find I am barely attracted to anyone, which is good..so when I am supposed to date someone it will be easier to know.

It started to get late and I remember I had a party I was supposed to be at so I rushed over there...oops..the party was over and I woke up the host. My bad! Oh well I was the only one who got him a birthday present! Seriously? Do people not buy presents anymore?

Then Sunday= rest day! This is something I make sure I do every week to keep my sanity. I refuse to do any work. It talks in the bible about this (it is one of the ten commandments!). No, I was not raised to do this. Just trying to follow God.

Monday after the show, I went to the doctor and the chiropractor. I have also been eating mostly organic food. For those of you reading this who know me personally, you are probably very impressed.  For most my life I never cared about what I ate or exercise or anything and was always sick. I was so shocked when the doctor said my immune system was excellent and it was just my hormones and blood sugar is out of whack.  I may be pre-diabetic. But I'm not taking that, I'm a fighter. She also SHOCKED me, when she said my allergies and asthma, weren't showing up in her tests! I had stopped taking my allergic and asthma medications 9 months ago and said " God you are my healer" and since then, I have only had one allergy issue for a few hours from a dirty cat.  God is amazing.

I have become good friends with one of our previous guests and she helped me get the guest for Tuesday. It is so important to have good friends, they are there to help you get through the times, enjoy the fun times and help you problem solve. If she would have not helped me get that guest, who knows if I would have had a guest Tuesday. I said to my friends "I am going to the top and I'm taking you with me" and he was like "really?" and I said " Of course, it's lonely at the top". 

One of my goals in life is to take everyone with me to the top. I truly believe everyone has something to offer and I will find a way to help them use their talents! We all deserve to be successful and people are most successful when they are doing what they love. So tell me what you love and I will help you do it one day! This is my mission and I promise if you put God first, work hard and are reliable...God will find a place for you in this world!