My Big God part 2 ( new job!)

So, turns out this guy is super amazing and lets me edit my Chris and Conrad show interview on his computer. But a few days before we are supposed to meet up my hard drive is completely wiped and I lose the interview. One of my poor friends was over at the time and saw me go into freak out mode for a good five minutes. I calmed down and decided to Trust God, that he knows better than me. If he wants me to not have this interview that maybe it is just not the right timing. I realized at that point, I was holding up this interview as a God, that I thought this interview was so important that the loss of it would ruin my life. Over dramatic, yes I know. Anyway after realizing how ridiculous I was being I was able to pull it together.

Two days pass and turns out my photographer still had it on his computer. Praise the Lord!! I asked God to forgive me for not trusting him.


So, the amazing guy (we will refer to him as AG and I meet up to edit the interview. Turns out the process, is going to take several meetings, as the video needs color correction needed and the render time and compression time are lengthy.


In the course of are meetings, AG is offered a job full time at another organization. He tells me he is going to try to get me into his old job.


The station calls me for an interview and I freak when they tell me the day. The interview is at 10am and at 9am I have interview with the Homeless Shelter for a full time job. I quickly call the Shelter and bump up the interview a half an hour. Okay so now I will have an hour and half between interviews. Which would be cutting it close as one is 30 minutes from the other.


For the station interview they want to see work I have done. I tell them I have my reporter resume tape and they seem kind of blah about that. But than God reminds me about the Chris and Conrad interview!!



AG and I rush to get it done. However it ends up taking till forever, we end up being up till like 2:30ish the night before the interview. When it is all said and done, I end up getting four hours of sleep and didn't even have time to wash my hair before the first interview at the shelter.


Luckily the interview goes quick since I know my interviewer and I dart off to the station. I end by some miracle being like a half hour early? I have no idea how that happened.


The job is part time. 20 hours a week. I pray to God what to do, as the job at the shelter would be full time. God leads me to a chapter in a book I hadn’t picked up in three months. I opened the book where I left off and it was about Discovering Your Destiny. The author talks about how he was in TV Production for most of his life. How he was just a natural at it. God had wired him that way. I knew what I had to do. Even if the job was part time and I still had to serve tables to pay my bills, I would have to take it because that is where my heart lies. That is where I would succeed and be happy.
A week before, I had taken an inventory of my life at church and became a little depressed when I saw all the bad that happened in my life. I felt like God was setting me up to fail, like every happiness was short-lived and that everyone that I loved were taken away from me. I cried out to God and said, “you say you want me to live an abundant and full life, well where is that?” “ I can’t believe it is serving tables and constantly struggling financially!”

Well God heard my cries! Not only did I get the job but they offered me a full-time job. I will be working on a new show with Kids Against Hunger on Mondays and Tuesdays. On Wednesday through Friday, I will be working on an existing show called “ The Good Life”. For the new show I will be the Producer and have a lot of creative say so ( which is awesome!) and I will also be reporting in segments from time to time ( The host liked my reporting resume tape! I knew I made that thing for a reason! ).

God created this job for me. It didn’t even exist to apply for. I get to produce, edit, be on camera, be creative and oh yeah there will be traveling! It’s the hours I wanted, The pay I needed! I couldn’t ask for more.

I wept for like 20 minutes. I was so happy. Just amazed at how God set this whole thing up! It wasn’t from my striving but just from his gracious ways! What an amazing God I have : -) Still in Awe of how BIG He really is.

My Big God

It has been almost a year since I stepped down at the local TV station after being turned down for a promotion. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Wondering what I could have done differently? Maybe if only I would have not started asking for Sundays off....Or maybe I wore jeans too many times to work? 

But these questions were pointless, as God was closing a door. And when God closes a door, it's only a matter of time before He opens another one.

 Four years ago I remember watching Christian television at like 2 in the morning ( which I still do....yes I enjoy it...it's about my God...why wouldn't I?) and there was an ad for an opening at the local Christian TV station for a master control operator. I felt God urging me to apply and so I did. I was offered a job there part time but I turned it down...it was overnights and on the weekends. And frankly I wanted to hangout with my than boyfriend on the weekends.

Well about two months ago, I really felt God urging me to send that same station an e-mail about coming in to volunteer/intern one day a week. Mind you this was at about four in the morning and I thought I was losing my mind. A few weeks prior I had told God if I had to work at Johnny Rockets well I worked on my show than I would. So I assumed I was being an over achiever again and not being content, so I tried to pray against it.

But God was very persistent with me. So I wrote the e-mail. I told them everything. How I worked at a local TV station, then a Christian Radio Station and now I am serving tables....etc...They e-mailed me back and said they would send my e-mail along to the hiring department.

Well several weeks past by and no word.  I think I gave God the eye roll again. 

My serving job than stated to cross some lines. I normally refuse to work Sundays in order to try and keep the Sabbath day holy, which is one of the ten commandments. But after one girl quit on the spot and another was on vacation. I was needed. So, after praying God said it was okay as I needed a couple extra dollars that month. So,  I worked out a deal and worked half the day for two weekends. 

Which lead me to go to the six o'clock service at my church one Sunday ( most Sundays I go to the 12:30). I had driven straight from work and looked a mess. In fact one of my friends who was greeting asked me if I just threw heels on because I looked out of it. Gee thanks! 

Annoyed and exhausted, I sat down for service. I saw an old friend from a bible study group I was in a year and half prior. He introduced me to some of his friends and I told them about my show and my first interview etc...One of the guys he introduced me to than told me he worked for that very same TV station I had written the e-mail to. I looked at him shocked and gave God a confused look? Really? So I told him about the e-mail I wrote and he said  "You were the girl that wanted to come in on Mondays right?"  Now I was shocked! Where did this guy come from? How have I not met him before? He is friends with my friends? Part of me wanted to punch my friend for never correlating the two together but than I had one of those humbling moments where I realized how big God really was. I wasn't sure what this all meant but I could see than that God was up to something. He was. To be continued. ( Yes, I just did that. It's 2 am and I bet you'll want to read the next one.....you still love me : -) )

The first interview

So as many of you know I have successfully completed my first interview for my show : ) The day started like any other, going to church with my girl friend and chatting about the service afterward.  We came back to my house and started preparing for the interview, which means me writing notes on a piece of paper for the interview that I never use. It's weird how if I write something down I will remember it so much better. Anyway....So as we are walking out of the house it starts to rain ( For any of my ladies reading this who straighten their hair...you know how terrifying this could be on a day of something important. ) So I reach for my umbrella and some how my finger gets caught in the umbrella and I am bleeding all over the place. Fabulous.  At this point my camera guy calls me and says he is almost there. Yikes!! I hadn't even left the house. So I hop in the car and start driving quickly as I didn't want to make him wait. Well in my hasty driving I ended up driving way past the church I was supposed to do the interview at. So I quickly start praying, I am like " God I know your timing is perfect". So I finally get there and I call the band's manager and he doesn't pick up. So you know me....I start to go hunting for him. ( Reporter skills put to use!) I ask around and no one has seen him. But than in walks Conrad ( One of the guys I was interviewing). I didn't want to go up to him because, well that is not proper interviewing musician etiquette....you are supposed to wait on the manager. But after a nudge from my girlfriend I decided I just needed to suck it up and go over there and talk to him. So I told him that I was supposed to interview him at five but couldn't seen to find his manager. He had no idea what I was talking about. At this point I literally looked up and gave God a look. Like, are you serious God? How can you set me up to "fail"again? Apparently they were in the process of changing management and this interview must of got lost in the transition.  I started praying immediately that hearts would be open to do the interview because I knew God wanted this interview to happen. Being the awesome God loving  guys they are, they agreed to do the interview anyway : ) Not only did they do the interview but they gave me almost a full half an hour. After the interview was over they said once I send them a link, they will post it on their website! They also said I could use whatever video clips I want from their site or their documentary ( which would have probably never happened if their manager was there...nor would the length of the interview...as often time managers are worried about timing and license of video etc..) Can you believe that? My little interview on their website for all their fans to see? I almost cried of joy ( but I managed to hold it together so I could stay for the concert.... which was amazing mind you!!). 

So despite all the craziness, God showed up! Sometimes a prick of the finger or running late or whatever could be the one second God needs to get your miracle in store. So we can't get mad at these things ( I know ...trust me this is easier said than done...I looked in the mirror after the interview and was mortified at my hair lol) we must pray and say God I know you timing is perfect and you work all things together for your good. Breathe my friends....God really does got it all under control. You just got to give it to him and He'll figure it out. 

Plans to Prosper

In my pursuit to be holy in God's sight, I came to a point where I cried out to God " I don't want to sin anymore". ( Yes I know this is impossible however, I still prayed it). The next three days I honestly felt the wait of my sin upon me. God was showing me all the errors of my ways. Whether it be bad thoughts of others, going to food besides him etc... It was so hard to work. Several of my employees said I looked like death. I came to a point where I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I was sick to my stomach....frankly I was a mess. I started going into this depression. This lead me to the back of Johnny Rockets where I sat on a trash can and I cried out to God " I know you won't forsake me. Then why does it feel like it right now?" The next morning I woke up and I felt grace. I felt God's love for me. That I didn't have to try so hard to live up to these standards. For a long time I thought living a righteous life meant to try to follow everything in the bible on how we should live. Which is impossible. Then just ask forgivness when I mess up. Well I don't know about you but I mess up all the time. God just kept bringing up this verse to my head "the righteous live by faith". And then it hit me. Instead of trying to live up to all these rules, I must start trusting what the bible says. That Jesus really died for my sins and that I am a new creation("Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation" 2 Corinthians 5:17. ), That he does really have plans to prosper me ( 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future Jeremiah 29:11), That he will not leave me or forsake me. etc... I must start remembering when Christ showed up and cured me from disease, brought money to my bank account out of no where, or how he answered my prayer for Christian girlfriends. He is faithful. Now mind you this is not an excuse to live in sin and use God as your personal Genie.In the bible it says pray without ceasing. So you must pray for God to take the desires away from you, because will power will always fail you. But Christ will never fail you. 

I felt like I had found the narrow road. Where Jesus's "Load Is Light". Now I just have to remember it really is all about turst. I must trust that God has a plan for my life and even if I am stuck in traffic for an hour to go one exit. I must trust that his plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. 

While the depression and craziness was going on. God was really keeping me up one night. He kept reminding me of this interview that fell through when I was working with the Christian radio station. The manager of the band had said he owed me. So I decided to send him an e-mail. I was really honest. I told him I was just a girl trying to follow my dreams to have a Christian show and that I really had nothing impressive to say about it. 4 days went by and I told God, that if he wanted me to work at Johnny Rockets forever, I know his plans are better than mine and I will trust that. Then the next day the band manager e-mailed me back. He said " Yes"!!!!!! I was so in awe of how much God really loved me and was going to be with me in my pursuit to have this show, that after breaking a plate at Johnny Rockets ( which is the first one I have ever seen broken there--they are plastic--), I went to the bathroom and fell to me knees, thanking God for opening a door for me. I had prayed for him to open a door the week before.

I think for years I ran around as a Christian Athesists. Saying I believe in God's truth but then thinking my destiny relys on me. Are we not than playing mini God's? trying to create the plan. God has given you the dreams in the depths of your soul for a reason. He wants you to go after them. I honestly have no idea how this interview is going to come together, I need a professional camera, a website to put the video on, a name for a show etc...but you know what...I know God will provide it all if it is His will. Instead of trusting my own ability, I will trust God's ability to make this show happen. I must be patient though because God's timing is certainly not my timing. The lord my God is coming to redeem what is lost.  Wait till you see what he has in store for me. : )

IDK...I surrender

It has been two months since I have posted and once again it's been a pride thing. I thought God was calling me to go to Seminary. First it seems as if Asbury would be the right fit. As I saw "signs" calling me to go there. I found an asbury card in my living room  ( and had never gone there or spoke to anyone from there...I still think it is odd but I digress) and I felt that it would be the right thing to do. My pastor also went there, so I knew my beliefs would match up. But the thing is, you have to be weary with signs because frankly you can make anything a "sign". When I was younger I got really caught up in this. I was relying more on signs than I was on God's truth.  Whenever I saw the time 7:42 or 4:27 I thought it was God talking to me...telling me I was on the right path. Now God allowed this for a while as it would help lead an ex-boyfriend to Christ but after a while the signs lead me astray and I used them to justify disobedience....thinking that it was okay not to listen to the bible because God was guiding my path with "signs".

Now this isn't to say that signs from God don't exist...I totally beleive they do...however make sure when you see an alledged sign that it is leading you in a way that is backed on biblical truth, stay in the word and pray about it. This will save you a lot of trouble...trust me I've done some hasty, rediculous things because I saw a "sign". 

When I started thinking about it more, I realized something was missing with Asbury. They had great programs but what about media? How would I incorporate that into my studies? So I did a google search for Christian Media Masters and surprisingly Dallas Theological Seminary popped up. They have a degree in Media Communication that combined studying the bible and media and was specifically for people who have already worked in media...sounds perfect for me right? Daystar, which is a modern christian media tv network is also there...sounds even better...maybe I could get a job there..I thought?! Maybe my life will finally start coming together if I go out there.

But is my life not starting to come together now? By worldly standards my life is a mess. I quit my career job. I owe $6,000 in student loan bills ( which I didn't even need to take out! I had a 75 % scholarship and a job and several grants )I owe like $600ish on a credit card. I have a car that spits gas out at you like a fussy child. I had to get rid of my blackberry and now have a flip phone that decides who it wants me to talk to. I am serving tables at a greasy fry and burger joint. I have moved six times in the past year. I have lost most of my belongings. I am breaking out...my weight is up and down. Oh and to top it off I'm single.

Sounds like a dramatic mess right? You know what keeps me sane?...God. When I look at the past year of my life...I see my growth. I have perserved under trial and have become more mature. Without even trying too hard... I have become a regular tither ( a year ago, I didn't understand why tithing was so important...trust me...he will provide if you tithe), I have learned to pray in front of people outloud ( a year ago, I thought this was weird and it made me uncomfortable), I am a regular church attender ( often going alone...before I had to go with someone), I am a constant reader of the bible, I get on my knees often, I walked into Regroup alone and am commited to the process.

This is not to toot my own horn but rather to toot God's horn...God did all these things in me. It wasn't easy for him...I put up a huge fight! Those of you who know me well, know I am stubborn and I will fight for what I believe is right but if I am wrong...I'll tell you. And well I was wrong. I thought all those things above were what "religous" people did and I didn't want to be one of those fake people, who smile and hid their screwed up lives in their pretty little houses. But I learned this past year...if you really believe Jesus is who he said he was and the bible is the word of God, than you gotta start following it. And you can't start following it...unless you know what it says and you can't know that unless you open your bible and you will never understand why God tell us to do certain things if you never try it. 

I learned all that ( and fifty million other things) here...in Orlando. God is here. He is working on my life, he is doing amazing things in me and those around me and to see God work is one of the most fascinating things ever! You don't even notice he is changing you, until you look back and say wow...that used to be me..yikes! I feel like I say that every week lately. 

The point is, I am staying in Orlando and gonna serve tables. Financially this is smart as I would be able to start slowly knocking out some debt.  I am going to stay in regroup and stay connected with Summit and other believers throughout the community.God is chaning me and the girls in this group and there is no where I would rather be. That is not say, I will never go to seminary. But if I do it is gonna be God who brought me down that path.

I have no plan. I have NO IDEA what God has in store for me but I know it is going to be better than the worldy dreams I created for myself. I admit, I don't have it all together. But the cool thing is God has it all together and he is gonna get me through this. So for now I stay put and I wait on God before I make any moves. I don't need to prove myself anymore. God loves me for me...and He is in control and I surrender. 

***The picture is of me, some famous brazilian actor ( I honestly have no idea who he is) the store owner, and one of my managers...

I leave you now with one of my favorite Kirk Franklin songs.....

Lately I've been thinkin'
Thinking 'bout you
And all the things
I've seen you go through
Your mother the kids and
The problems at home
Sorry I wish I could fix what's wrong
I hurt when you hurt and
I cry when you cry
Even the deep ones 
Sometimes wonder why am i going through
I'm waiting but still no use

Chorus:
He's still in control
He's soverign and He knows
Just how it feels to be afraid
Have folk you love walk away
Be still and know He's still in control

Verse 2:
Lately depression
Your job and your life
Weighs on your mind
All day and all night
You know every scripture
And what prayer to pray
Only a fool would think
It'll all go away
But there is a use
For you there's a plan
A High Priest who knows
And who understands what you cannot say
Just a little longer can you wait

Chorus:
He's still in control
He's soverign and he knows
Just how it feels to be afraid
Have folk you love walk away
Be still and know He's still in control

Bridge:
Don't know what tomorrow will bring
Or if this sickness will ever leave
You can paint a perfect picture 
But will it ever look like it used to be
See, one thing I know for sure
This season made you stronger and more mature
Can't you see how far you've come
And when you look back
It's gonna be worth it, oooh

(Chorus)

He's still in control
He's still in control
He's still in control
(repeat and fade out)

God Bless you my friends and thank you for reading : )

Pride

It has been a long time since I posted in my blog and I think a lot of his to do with my pride. It's all nice and dandy to tell everyone about all the awesome things going on in your life, like interviewing/ booking celebs or what not but when it comes to the junky stuff you would rather not say. Well I promised to tell everything that happened when I left my Job at WESH and here is what has been going on.

After leaving working with the radio station. I moved to Jacksonville to live with my Grandma. I didn't really get paid at the radio station, so the main reason I moved was because I couldn't pay my bills. I needed a place to stay and this would be a fresh start. Linnda quickly helped me line up a job in Jacksonville making $150 a day working as a PA. We thought it was working for a film, however it was actually working on a military base picking up trash and such. Now, I know what your thinking $150 a day to pick up trash, sign me up! Well I just couldn't do it. I think I lied to myself and told myself that it was because of the war stuff or the weird hours. But it was really PRIDE. I went from booking famous guests on a show to empty trash cans. I felt so defeated. So after one day I quit. This caused my whole family to be angry at me! Then from my Grandma's smoking (and probably partly a panic attack) I ended up in the Emergency Room, not able to breathe. I realized that if I didn't want to keep getting sick, I would have to move out. So I moved back to Winter Park and am now living with a friend until I can figure things out.

On the way back my girlfriend told me my old serving job was hiring for some seasonal help. I turned it down, thinking " No way I am I going back there". So I took a job at this fine dining restaurant and after a week in they let me go. I honestly think it was because I refused to take out a dirty teapot. They said I just wasn't catching on to their concept quick enough. Who knows the real reason but anyway I am not working there anymore. 

My grandma had given me some money to get by but I spent some of it on clothing, thinking I can't wear what I have this season...a lot of it is old and a some of my long shirts have holes in them. So I splurged, thinking the cash would come in from the job. Bad idea.

I really started thinking about this pride issue and when else it has affected my life. When I left WESH, I think some of it had to do with pride. I just couldn't stand not being promoted. It wasn't even about the money really. It was that to me...it felt like they were saying, I didn't do a good job. I felt like I deserved that job, Two years and every shift I worked. I work hard and I give it my all. 

If only I could give that much energy to God. Seriously, why was I working so hard?  Because a long time ago, I swore I would never end up like my family did, poor...with no secure jobs. I was going to make things happen. I was going to be someone! I was going to do it all by myself and be independent!!!!

But God wants us to rely on him, that's not saying we can do nothing, we have to do our part too. I was just relying on myself. I had a plan for my future and I was sticking to it! 

But it wasn't God's plan for my life, it was mine and that's why it came crashing down. God wanted all of me.

Through all this I have learned that...

1. You can't plan out your life you have no idea what tomorrow will bring you have to live in the now and do the best you can every day to follow God, "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth" Proverbs: 27:1. 

2. I have a serious pride issue (I am still shaking it) and most of my problems have been caused by this. " Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall  Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud" Proverbs 16: 18

3. Despite all this God still loves me : ) Is it not amazing how God can still love sinners like me and you? ( if anyone is even reading this).

4. God is helping me through this. He is taking away the things I prided myself on! My  car...which I prided on that I paid it off quickly and would constantly say it is my only possession. I got in a car accident in May and totalled it and had no collision coverage. My house is gone. I loved that apartment, I thought it was perfect and wanted to show it to everyone. Most everything I owned I have given away or sold ( mostly given away) in order to move out quickly or pay bills.

5. I have gained a lot. I have gained character. How often is our first question to people, what do you do? As if their job defines them.I think the next time someone asks me what I do, I am going to say " I am doing my best to follow God", I wonder what kind of reactions I will get to that? What defines who you are is who you are in Christ. So I ask you today, who are you in Christ? ....Take some time, think about this... I promise the question is worth asking.

Under Attack? God is about to do something BIG

You know that saying "anything that can go wrong...will go wrong?"Well it's especially true when you are trying to do something big for God. On Sunday I am getting baptised and ever since my girlfriend and I made this decision, things have been getting really crazy.

This week my car broke. Not surprising on anything...this car always used to always break down ( many of you may remember how the car radio would stay on even when the car was off and it would drain the battery and so the car would die all the time). But on the same day my computer also broke and my toilet overflowed. Now this may seem like awful luck or coincidence but I know better. You see the devil is angry! He is angry that I am trying to make the huge commitment to God to try and follow him with all my heart, no matter what that means. But I will not give in to these distractions. My friend told me not to be surprised if I get sick on baptism day or something happens. All of this was a little overwhelming, not to add my finances don't make any sense right now.

But then I started thinking about it and I know in the end God will win this battle. So why fret? Keep that in mind whenever your circumstances are overwhelming, know that if God wants something to be done it will be and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. Smile! God is always by your side.

Also something I learned this week is that it's not always the fun road or even a road full of friends when following God completely. People look at you as if you're strange and can't seem to get why. But I promise the road is worth it! God has showed me time and time again, that when I give up everything and follow him, he will provide....not my wants but my needs. And what are your needs really? Really all you need to survive is God. I know that seems like the typical response but it's really true.

I have a reason for going on that tangent. I have decided to leave the radio show I am working on. Are you paying attention now? lol. The host of the radio show will constantly say things about other " Gods" and how they all are the same whether it be Buddha or what not. Well I just don't believe that at all. I really believe the only way to God is through Jesus Christ. ( My sister thinks I am crazy for this and actually started yelling at me about how all God's are the same....this was so shocking because I never really heard her talk about religion before...once again under attack). I cannot put my name on something with such mixed messages, as it can confuse an audience, so at the end of the month I am stepping down as the Associate Producer of the Show. I love working on the show and I love the host of the show but I know I am not being true to Jesus by trying to sell this show.

So now what?

Well right now there are a few things that appear to be options. One of my friends may move in with me for a little bit, which would help pay bills. I am still babysitting. I am always awaiting the check for the promotional modeling gig I did last weekend. I still might get offered the Station Manager Job in Detroit and then I could program my own station. I might get to work on a full length Christian feature film in Tampa ( I can't really say more then that right now). Or Maybe I will move to Jacksonville and live with my Grandma and work on her book with her and save up money. I don't know. But I do know one thing....God will be with me wherever I go and whatever happens next is going to be an exciting chapter in my life.

I feel like God is letting me do all the things I want to do, somethings maybe not in the extent that I would want to do them, but even if I got to be a grip on this big feature film, that would still be cool. This week ( thanks to a great friend) I got to sing in a choir. Now I haven't sang in a choir since the 9th grade . I was told too many times my voice wasn't good enough and gave up. I even had an ex boyfriend who used to turn up the radio when I sang, so he wouldn't have to hear my voice. I was so nervous when I went into sing, I was visibly shaking. But the people there were by far some of the nicest people I have ever met and even though I am not a fan of the music, I want to go back just to be around them. I hope I am like this. I pray that when people are around me, they will see the JOY of knowing Jesus and want to know what is different about me. Though there are hard times for everyone, rejoice my friends because God is with you and you can do all things through him. Don't let people tell you, you can't do something that God sent you to do. Imagine what people must of thought about Noah when he was trying to build the ark?

Stay true to your morals and believes and God and he will bless you time and time again.
I can't wait to see what will be happening in this next chapter of my life but I know it is going to be amazing! Stay Tuned for an after the baptism post. God Bless