Learning to Smile in the Storm

After years of waiting I feel like my life is finally starting to come together. I am getting to do everything I want to do at my new job, I am producing, editing, being on camera, doing commercials, doing voice over work, even learning how to do graphics (which is super hard work!) and set design. I will be writing on a weekly basis for ReGroup's blog (ReGroup is a recovery ministry at my church) and being a leader there. I am finally getting to a place of my own (intentionally- not someone moving out). I have started my own website and am working on my own show. I am starting to come out of my shell and try new things. and I actually have free-time to do things.

Even though everything is coming together (as God promises when you seek him with all your heart), man is it scary! I don't know how many times I question if I will be able to do all these things. My past of failed attempts looks at me laughing and tells me that it will just all be the same...why try? Why put in the effort when you know that in an instant it can all be taken away. That any job can end or any relationship can end for seemingly no reason at any moment.

For most of my life, I have lived in fear. Fear of truly committing to anything. Fear of living. Fear of wasting my time and energy. Fear of dying. Fear of others dying. So I have allowed myself to live in this bubble. I filed my life up with work/school/relationships, so I wouldn't have to think or I wouldn't have to do anything scary and tried to create a sense of security in my life. I still struggle with the fact that God is my security, not me and my works or the money in my bank account.

I believe this problem all started with losing my dad. You see, one day my mom told me to put this pretty outfit on. She didn't tell me why but I did. Then my grandma and great grand mother arrived at the door, but they didn't live in this state. "What were they doing here?" "Why didn't my mom tell me they were coming?" It was then my mom took me to her room and told me, my father had died. He had a heart attack and had been lying there for almost a day before my mother found him (at the time he was living in an apartment nearby).

In an instant my dad was gone. The love of my life had vanished. There was nothing I could do about it. There was nothing I could have done to prevent it. I was mad. Real mad. How could God just take away my dad like that?

Since then, I have spent most of my life just waiting for something to go wrong. Waiting for the next horrible unexpected something to happen. And well for most of my life it seemingly went that way. And each time, some unexpected horrible thing happens, the fear of living resonates deeper in my soul.

But then I take a look back. When I look back at my life and see how all these seemingly horrible things have helped me to get to the ideal place I am today. I smile. It all happened for a reason. For if it was not for my daddy issues. I would have never acted out as badly as I did. This brokenness and feeling of hopelessness lead me to Summit and ReGroup. Which helped me have a deeper relationship with Christ and this relationship allowed God to use me for ministry. Which I always wanted to work in ministry but couldn't figure out how to get involved. But God doesn't put you in ministry because you tried hard enough. God takes your brokeness and uses it to show others you are still loved if you are broken "If God can love that girl and use her --he can for sure use me".

I thank God now for taking my Dad. Yeah it hurt, but that wound helped me on my road and I know he is in a better place. A place of no hurting. Though of course selfishly I want him here sometimes, I love him and am truly happy he is experiencing God's joy right now. If anyone needs to feel love it is my Dad... as he was abused by his father for being the sick child of the family but even that wound would help lead my dad to Christ, as God was the father he had always wanted.

So now, I can look at these circumstances in front of me and say " you may be hard but I know God will use them to get me in a better place with him and ultimately closer to experiencing his complete Joy." Every Day I am one step closer to seeing the True love of my life- Jesus and any kind of unexpectedness I can trust He will use for His and my good.

I am a little scared but ready for the unknown. Though I may not know what will happen. I know my God. I know he will not fail me and I know I can do all things through Him who strengths me. Just got to keep my eyes on God and not on my circumstances and I will keep my joy. This is obviously done through a lot of prayer.

So pray on my friends. Keep your eyes on your creator and know it will all work out. He loves you and this storm you are going through is taking you to a better place.


*** Picture is of My Mother, Grandmother and I.